Lockdown is Brutal

I am honestly so over lockdown that it’s unreal and figured there’s probably a million of you out there reading this that feel the same. So while your mood is low and your mojo is all but non existent then know you are not alone. This is not a ‘cheer up’ blog, but a hit at realism that we are all just hanging in there in hopes of finally seeing the other side. It’s okay to tell others that you are not okay.

For the past month after getting another lockdown induced virus from probably under activity, high stress, poor sleep, and awful diet choices, I started to slip. I am normally an upbeat and cheerful person who can see the rainbow through every storm, no matter the weather, but I have to say it’s finally waning. Seeing everyone I know struggle to get through the confines of this virus while being on constant high alert about interaction with other people, it’s draining.

I have had no will to do anything much except lock myself up and watch Korean drama, even avoid cooking and general chores. Which as someone who is normally constantly on the go, and cleans like her life depends on it, means I am not in a good place. My mojo has run away and my mood although not really depressive, is definitely not okay. I feel deflated, disconnected, and somewhat lost, like my life is losing meaning and my own self worth is dwindling. Try as I might to find the sun behind the storm clouds it’s exceptionally hard and I can only imagine how much harder it is for so many people out there. See I don’t feel sorry for myself as I know I’m strong and can get through anything life throws at me, but this hopelessness is definitely a hurdle I am not navigating very well.

I am one of the lucky ones in this situation and I know it. So even though I am venting here about how crappy this is, I also feel really selfish for doing it. I have a job I can do from anywhere, even sat home, and didn’t have to worry about being fired from getting stuck on permanent leave when this began. I also am exceptionally good at adapting to things and finding workable ways in most situations, while being an eternal optimist. So if I am struggling like I am now then I cannot even begin to imagine what people who have mental health or poor mood are doing. I have family here so loneliness isn’t an issue and we have an income so paying bills isn’t on that added anxiety list. There are those who lost jobs, income, even loved ones to this horrible virus. This problem isn’t just hitting us singularly at home, but globally this is affecting everyone. Knowing some countries have found the other side should give us something to hold onto.

It’s not weak to share the fact we are just holding on with the skin of our teeth and experiencing thoughts and moods we don’t know how to process. Lord knows, I have been through a lot in my life and consider myself someone who can bounce most things off, but this endless waiting to be allowed to live normally again is definitely a tough battle. You are surviving. So please hold on. An end will come.

So I just want to tell you that you’re doing better than you think. That you may be tired and have no get up and go, that the stress feels too much sometimes that you don’t know how to look for tomorrow. That maybe the situation for you has hit rock bottom and you feel you have nowhere else to turn. You are not alone, it will get better again. Reach out to family and friends online and don’t let yourself slide further. The lack of get up and go, the sense of loss, dissatisfaction, and disconnect. The loss of will to look after your health and home. It’s all happening to most of us too, even me.

Let’s take each day as they come and not be too hard on ourselves. Put aside the things that don’t matter and find the small joys that will keep you going. Even if it’s a walk, a k-drama, or baking a cake. Look for the small things that will help you get through this and know I am rooting for all of you.

Scotland is in a full lockdown still and I have no idea when it will lift again although I am hoping it is soon. I have so many thing I still want to get out and do and enjoy in life and I will be looking forward to it all. The books will come back when my writing mojo does and soon we will be able to see one another again at events. Let’s hold on to all of that and stop beating ourselves up.

Leanne xxx